Friday, May 21, 2004
Awww yeah man...my on n off smoking days..are kinda weird...its like..i pick a stick today..but tomorrow is a new day......i hope im battling this psychologically..by nt thinkin about it at all..! Aniways..my lung condition is improving..thx 2 using the inhaler...ahhhaha...die die must use..if nt...sure jialat...But thx GoD...it was juz a slight flu tt i have..juz the norms...fever..running nose...sore throat...but no asthma or bronchospasm phew...Looks like Im here to stay..I aint goina die..everitin seems so bright..becoz IM Making it a Difference by changing mySelf....
Hmm...shall go take my medicine n have a good rest...revise..n aft this exams...i have many more stuff to do n catch up On...tt includes goin 2 gym....givin tt blardy arsehole pervertic brudder of mine..the KFC treat!!! hahaha no lar jokin..Daren nice guy dun bite me okie..I also wana start writing back poetry..pick back up leisure reading..n if i gt the mood arh..id prolly get a job...but im nt so sure...! Look at my state now...tiring myself will onli make me suffer relapse..think more n go depress faster..Id rather take this opportunity..to explore life..n foster my beliefs! So to all those people out there..Dun Despair..be it u are depress or heart broken or havin a suicidal tendency..juz keep in mind...all the wonderful things ur goina miss when u die...
SUCH AS :
1) Cannot wash eye....(*wink wink*)
2) Cannot have Sex!! (Geylang alot of chickens ley juz have the $$ the rest they bao!!)
3) Cannot Eat good food...or drink..good stuff..yeah aniting from sodas...or softdrinks..to even liquor u hardcore asses!!
4) Cannot Flirt..!! or Play around with girls (PAO NIU)
5) NO COMPUTER NO INTERNET...No 999 or 995 or 911...who the fuck u goina call for help hahaha!!
6) No friends..no one to bullshit with..or watch a movie with..worse no cinema haha..u die..u are alone tts it man..astalavista...i tell u...u nt afraid to die..neither am I..but its the thought of after death which I fear..the thought of being juz a petty soul..so ask urself u realli wana die tis early at tis age?? ThiNK THRICE..or again n again n again
7) No Television!!! No Radio!! No hype or funk in ur live..or entertainment...its a boring n cruel life down there...no scooby doo or popeye u know :D
8) No Aircon....yeah u think ur goin 2 heaven straight think again...we all goina go 2 hell first..serve sentence..we are all Sinners!!! u wan heaven..nt so fast...so again la hor....u realli wana die bo? Ud be humpin 2 Nelly's ItS gettin Hot In Here while u sweat like pIG!!! n chain to the depths of Hell....ahhhhhhhhhh
9) No family..No love....its a cruel n isolated putrid hole down there.....u wun even recognise ur family members...in hell or heaven..tts a known fact...so how..no nail filer to polish nails also..trust me blondies will suffer...gay asses will fumble...they will get retribution..u juz keep it cool aight? dun die over these useless people!!!
10) COZ I BET MY FUCKING LIFE U DUN WANNA DIE UNTIL GOD SENDS AN ANGEL TO TAKE UR LIFE AWAY..IF THIS DUN WAKE U UP...I PRAY THE FIRES OF HELL LICK U DRY AND BBQ U HONEY AND BLACK PEPPER...HAHA N SATAN WILL HAVE HIS DINNER..MEDIUM RARE OR WELL DONE..U DECIDE MAN..OR WOMAN...DO U REALLI WANA DIE NOW N GO HELL?? I DUN THINK SO.....stop tt thought bout heaven...u go there after serving sentence..SO CHEER UP PEEPS...DUN DIE...LIVE ON N MAKE THE REST SUFFER WITH YOUR EVERI MOMENT OF EXISTENCE..DO NOT WORRY OR REGRET..INSTEAD REJOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And thank you for being such a wonderful audience. For advance tickets to hell..kindly contact me..id give u tips on how 2 die for that loved one..or move them 2 tears.when u die..tt is if u wana ;)
J A Always.... 7:28 PM
The time is 3:23 pm. A little after mid afternoon. Weather is hot like hell, i am stoned over so mani lil naps here n there my mind cant think straight. As promised here is my final and last tributes as to what foolish measures I have undertook. All I have left are confessions. My ulterior thoughts, every word every thought every moment.
My love for u alicia was the most simplest of all. All I ever wanted was to love n be loved. Was it that hard? My love for you changed me, the first time i felt someting so strong tt i feel weak in your eyes.
I don't wanna know
If your playin me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
This love of mine knows no hope anymore. As far as im concerned, I shall light a funeral pyre for tis love of mine which burns so gloriously on rage.
U have been an object of affinite affection, obsession and lust. But I loved u so much...tt my eyes were blinded totally. How foolish of me, i must be thinking too much. Well i hope u find solace in ur world of empty minded-ness and flounder all your money away. Perhaps u will wake up one day, but Im not taking my time to wait. Im nt perfect, Im no saint, n seriously I aint handsome or got all tt money..u know that..n thats wat u want. I cant give it so too bad its time to pack bag. Looks like my efforts have failed to pry open your heart.
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I'm throwed and I dont know what to do
I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions
If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that phone call
I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions
I kept dreaming of makin love to you, building a home together, having kids! Haha so many crazy thoughts or how u would teach our daughter how to talk or take her first steps. Yeah baby..was kinda like a prophecy...i juz wana cry when i say all this out. Enuff of the I think 2 much shit, tts the way I am..i guess u cant accept that till today. Love is acceptance..too bad huh?
Sadly though, ive decided to lose hope. I have decided that Im better off without you. Im sick of trying, u cant imagine the torture i go through in my head everi single fucking nite in my dreams. Even when i wake up i see you in front of me. Give me a logical explanation but i won't buy it, coz im blindy in love with u but u cant see it.
In my most machoistic and sadistic form yest night..i dreamt of looking through that sniper scope. And with all thoughts flashing back..of how u made my life so beautiful n complete..i squeezed the trigger..n u died on the spot with a hole in yr head. N i woke up with my arms interlocked the same way a shooter would with a longshot.
Its painful...n im goin crazy Alicia, but i cant carry on animore. This heart of mine cant take it. I have no fear or qualms, but i juz wana end your life so badly...as much as I loved you last time. But hey..i aInt gOd...these are all juz wild thoughts.
But know this for sure, I'll end what i Started. This love of mine does not cease to exist anymore.
Hence I shall end with this note.
Chewy, I love you alot, but even flowers will wither under the command of the snow. Like they say, All good things must come to an END.
So its Astalavista GurL.......("-)
J A Always.... 5:08 PM
Da infamous love letter...which i shall delete now...grrr
Dearest Alicia,
After much pondering and tinkering, I’ve taking this step ahead to pen down the thoughts running through my mind and driving me over the edge of sanity itself. I dun know where to begin or end. I dun know whether to laugh or cry. But I do know this letter might either label me crazy or insane. I leave the judgment to you. If you decide to ignore me afterwards, cant blame you…
Love, such a beautiful thing isn’t it? All along I’ve been trying to figure out the real meaning of love. But to no avail my attempts proved futile. All I did was rush through a seemingly never-ending journey of seasonal crushes. I couldn’t distinguish between have and have not, what and whatnot. It’s easy to say I love everyone, but to truly love someone who really makes u go wild, open you up, someone who lights up the darker side of you, someone whom you really adore and crave for, someone who truly accepts you for who you are. I always thought I would not find the “one”. Guess I was wrong. Someone once told me, it’s not wrong to love anyone. I never truly understood that phrase that was until I met you.
In the shortest time that I’ve known you, I felt like I’ve known you for decades. Moments spent with you were enough to last a nostalgia for a lifetime. You are one of the true friends whom I truly adore and care for. If you cry in future and think you are alone, please don’t cause you’re not. You are someone special. To me even words or pictures alone can’t describe you. Just one word “pulchritudinous”.
I know I have done some crazy things and some awfully terrible stuff to you. For that I apologize. I’m sorry if things had to turn out this way. I’ve always treated love by the book. The obsession of the opposite sex, the many quotes I hold unto. But tonight love took a turn. I always wondered what it was like to love and be loved in return by someone special for just one moment. Till today, I still wonder…
I’ve said the same old 3 words to you many times. “I love you”. An ensemble of words destined to either break a heart or fix a heart. I’ve never truly grabbed the meaning of love. After all, what’s love if its 1 sided. I feel guilty for saying all these to you. I am even guiltier for taking you for granted, as it is, not giving you due respect, and most of all for flirting with you even when knowing you had a boyfriend. For that I can never repent.
But I’m awfully glad to let you know that you are the first person who did not turn me down when I needed help, the first not to reject me and the first person I’ve truly learnt to appreciate. Though I was confused all along as to whom I love, I finally found the answer then I saw the stars tonight. As to all these time I’ve only liked and adored you a lot. But as you read this letter, I would like to tell you that I truly love you for who you are and I dun feel sorry for doing so. But love takes two hands to clap. That feeling of love has only begun to develop tonight and it will grow stronger with every day. Though I miss you a lot, sometimes in life, things don’t turn out the way we want them to be. We cant get what we cant all the time. All I want is to love you and be loved by you. But I guess loving each other as friends is at far as it goes. I tried to deny everything and push everything aside but I guess I can’t forget you, as you left a deep imprint on my heart. As to what love bring forth in future, I can’t afford to love another girl for I found a perfect match in you, and memories are all I have to cling on to.
I’m afraid as to what outcome I will face after u read this letter. But I’ve got to move on one day. I hope we will still remain as friends, as to closer than that, I doubt it will ever happen. For true love will take more time, and only when you get to truly know me and like me, then can love bloom. My emotions are now in turmoil. I realized that love is to give and receive and most importantly it’s earned. It’s an insatiable feeling which makes the world go round.
I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls.
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent
and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.
And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me?
And I don't want to fall into the light.
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't want to die tonight.
Will you…
Just to let you know, you are the best friend I’ve had, one whom I trust a lot and can’t bear to lose. I am now going on a journey to look on the positive side, to understand yourself and myself better. I look forward to knowing you better in the near future. Last but not least, Thank you for caring for me, being there for me, and seeing the clearer picture always. Hope our friendship will be as good as it last. I can only ask that you forgive me for all I’ve done. Thanks for listening out to my heart. Will await your humble reply.
PS: Dun forget 2nd July HeeeeE
Yours truly,
Adnan…
J A Always.... 8:41 AM
You're an Angst writer!
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J A Always.... 8:23 AM
I knew there was sumtin realli wrong with me...Heres the verdict hahaha!!! So ani kind souls out there wana help me?
borderline
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J A Always.... 8:16 AM
